21 Weeks Pregnant with the Married Man's Child
(CO, USA )
As with so many of the stories, we worked together. We never intended to start an affair. Same story but of course different faces. The affair began shortly after I left my abusive husband. My friend/coworker was extremely supportive during this time and we became closer friends. His marriage was struggling and even before we were involved at all, he told me the truth about their marriage. He was in it for the kids and they slept in different bedrooms and hadn't been physically intimate for about a year, since shortly after their youngest was born. I knew about their marriage problems long before he had any reason to lie to me about it. Our issues with our marriages drew is closer in that weird all too familiar cookie cutter falling into an affair way. I was giving him the encourage my his wife was denying and he was the desperately needed friend during a very dark time in my life. Would have been awesome had he not been married still. We set boundaries, talked about our feelings and tried so hard to do the right thing.
We continued as friends until right after he had a huge fight with the wife. We talked about it and one thing led to another and we kissed. Over the course of a month, we began having sex. We called things off, and I tried to date. I felt like I was cheating in him when I went on dates. We would talk and be right back where we started. This went on for months.
I hated myself. I am a good girl, very black and white. I have morals and I have always treated others the way I would like to be treated, if not better, honestly. I hated feeling jealous every weekend. I hated when she would come to our work place to drop off something to her husband. I hated lying. I hated the secrets. I just hated myself.
I finally relented, and I was in a turning point in my life and ready to be done with the affair when my birth control failed. Two weeks later, no period came.... I told the MM and he said I had his support. Weeks turned into a month.... I believe at least for myself that abortion is not my solution. The baby didn't ask to be conceived and I can't take away his or her chance at life. I hemorrhaged twice and rushed to the hospital alone. Each time, after losing massive amounts of blood, she was still tucked in with a solid heartbeat. I came to accept that I was having a baby.
I was terribly sick the first 15 weeks. I had to take myself to the ER for fluids several times. I saw the MM at work, but I did everything concerning the baby and my healthy alone. There was no way he could leave home to be with me at the hospital, even with the bleeding and it being life threatening. That was very upsetting for me.
I told my parents what had happened. I couldn't hide the baby of course. They were furious and not supportive at all. I have also isolated myself from my friends and family because what I am and have done and the child I am carrying is socially unacceptable. I feel completely alone and isolated in this. Most days, I fight with all that's in me to not think of the ways I could commit suicide and make it look like an accident. It's hard and a daily battle but I am safe everytime I think of the baby's life. I feel so alone without the MM's real support, my family and friends.
I am fighting being bitter. I am angry that he can move on with his wife and not suffer any real consequence while I have physically been ill and fought for my life. I am angry that I am carrying the social stigma of an unplanned pregnancy alone and he doesn't have to face it ever. I am angry that I love him enough to walk away and let him live his life with his wife and kids, as miserable as his marriage is, ask nothing of him, carry the whole responsibility of raising our child alone while he says even still every single day that he loves me and is in love with me but refuses to be there for me physically, come clean to his wife and face his consequences so he can be a real part of the baby's life.
His attempt at coming clean was saying he wanted a third though his wife was done and I being his good friend agreed to artificial insemination. His wife of course was furious and doesn't really believe the story. Why should she? She doesn't want a divorce because she doesn't want to get a job and support herself so she's fine staying in the marriage even though she knows deep down the truth about the affair. MM doesn't want a divorce because of the kids. She refuses to have anything to do with the baby which leaves MM unable to have anything to do with the baby.
He isn't man enough to fess up to his wife and face the music and deal with his ruined marriage so at the very least he could see his kid. It's fine that I am not worth it, but seriously, his own kid is being treated like a second class child compared to his others. This baby to him is just a test tube baby..... That's pretty much the last straw.
I told him and his wife both that I am raising the child alone. I told him that I am done. He can have his broken marriage for whatever comfort it brings but since his wife can't have anything to do with the baby, that leaves no option. I want no more contact unless he is able to be there for the baby, offering her the same in life as his other children. He has fed me to the wolves and made me take on the baby by myself. I can never love him the same as I did because he has rejected his own flesh and blood. Honestly, if that's the man he is, why would I want anything with him even if things do not work out with his wife? Better yet, why do any of us want anything to do with men who cheat on their wives with us? Their words are oh so sweet but they are toxic to our souls. I am so glad to move on with my life. .
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