Broken Hearted and Numb.....

by Tigersan
(Aust)

It was 2001, I had attended this public event where there were many people. I was single and looking. I was enjoying the view when all of a sudden out of the many other men, this one guy caught my eye in particular. There was something about him and I knew that eventually we'd meet. Then to my surprise, we did, it seemed he was feeling something too. I was due to leave the next day and asked him to give me a reason to stay...he says, he could give me many. I didn't want to assume that he was married so after a few conversations, our attraction was starting to get stronger and knew things were going to lead from one thing to another. So I asked him is he was married, he said that he'd divorced his wife a few years back and has 2 children he still supports. I believed him. Our relationship grew stronger and stronger, his work was bringing him in and out of town and I'd travel to wherever he was posted to so we could meet and spend more quality time together. We'd exchange many emails, talk over the phone and I felt our relationship was getting stronger and stronger. Until two years later, we had gotten together again and we really enjoyed ourselves, that much that two weeks after he had left, I found out I was pregnant with his baby. I was over the moon. When I broke the news to him, he tried to deny, it wasn't easy letting him know that he was going to be a father again. He's promised me that he would do everything in his power to ensure that he'd provide for both baby and I. I believed him. My love for him grew stronger and stronger. He starting supporting me financially and continues to do so. Although he hasn't been in our lives physically on a fulltime basis, we continue to maintain regular contact. When baby was 10 months old, he had paid for us to travel overseas to visit him and so he could meet his new baby. We had spent a whirlwind rollercoaster of two weeks together. It was good to be with him again and now sharing a baby had changed the dynamics of our relationship. I sensed that he was hiding something and noticed he never mentioned his other children in any of our conversations. We stayed in regular contact but was missing him terribly as he was missing out of watching his babygirl grow. I never planned to be a single mother. Five years had passed, I had somewhat gotten on with my life but had always had this emotional bond with him and couldn't for the life of me shake it. Even though I had had other men, I felt guilty for sleeping with other men even though him and I did not make a commitment to each other...it didn't occur to me why. Five years of your child's early life is a long time to miss out. So we both agreed to plan to visit. I didn't know what to expect or whether our feelings were still strong for eachother. So when baby and I had arrived, he welcomed us with open arms and I was so happy to see him. These two weeks spent were wonderful and felt it took our relationship to the next level. I felt he was more engaged with me the previous time and was overjoyed that he was able to spend time with his daughter. We had talked briefly about the opportunity of us being together fulltime and he'd agreed that he would consider it, but said to me that he wasn't ready. Stupid me, didn't read too much into that, or didn't ask him the necessary questions to know why he wasn't ready. Mind you, this had been going on for some 10 years now. We both enjoyed each other's company, spent some quality family time together, taken photos of 'us' as couples, expressed our love for eachother and it was beautiful. Until 2 months after I had returned home from seeing him overseas, I receive a call on my phone, noticed it was an overseas number, thinking it was him, this lady is at the other end of the line proclaiming that she has been his wife of 20 years and that they're happily married. O.M.G.! It was a stab to my heart. I didn't know what to believe. Crazy thoughts were going through my mind and I was hurting....big time! Questioning myself, how could this be, how could he do that to me? His wife and I talked on the phone for almost an hour, she had told me that he's cheated on her a few times before with other women and I'm just another one on his list. I didn't want to believe what I was hearing. So as soon as I could, I got on the phone to him and asked him...Are you married? He was in denial. He said, What? Why did she ring you? Let me call her right now. My world with him had all of a sudden turned upside down. I didn't know how to feel. Was I that stupid to not notice any signs and just simply blinded by his so-called love for me. He'd been lying to me and to his wife all along. How could he spend those two visits with me in his home town and me not knowing his wife and kids were living in their house just down the road. For the remaining of that year, I went through hell with him. Apparently she had gotten a private detective to sneak around because she had suspicions that he was cheating on her and that's how she came to ring me. She had arranged with her lawyer and him to give me a call in her presence to warn me to stop having contact with him only for emergencies if anything was to happen to our child. I didn't know how to feel about this whole situation. Mind you, he had called me to let me know beforehand that this meeting was going to go ahead. What does that mean? Was he afraid that I would say something against him and that he just wanted to try and keep the peace between him and his wife. What about me? Two hours after that meeting, he had called me surprisingly to say, 'thank you'. A year on, we're still in regular contact and he says he's done with it all, but knowingly he still remains at home with his wife and kids. It's been a huge lesson for me and alot of hurt and pain involved moreso because of the emotional attachment I have had with this man. Because of his years of lies and deceit to me, my trust factor towards meeting other men let alone being in the company of one is zero. It's going to take me some time before I can allow my heart to be open to a new relationship because I'm still trying to get out of this one and what makes it more difficult is the fact that we share a baby and I so want for her and him to have a relationship. I can't guarantee that he'll leave his wife and now that I've gone through this, I don't think I'd want to be with him because he'll most probably do the same to me. I deserve to be happy and to be with someone that loves me. Wow, 10 years of being the other woman and my family doesn't even know the truth and it hurts me even more keeping it from them. I don't know what they'll think of me if they were to find out.

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