Don't know how to leave...
I'm so lost! I don't know what to do!! My story will be a little long so please don't mind...
The first time I met this MM was around Nov 2006, he is my boss...I applied for the reception position and got an interview. When we first met, I knew he has something for me because we had strong eye contact, nonetheless, he never hired me until 6 months later...he emailed me back and told me his has vacancy again. At the same time, I was looking for a job, so I took the offer instantly and that's May 2007 when I started to work at his office. When I see him again, I thought nothing would happen between us because obviously he's a lot older than I am and the fact that he's married. But once he started to chat with me, teach/train me, I know that he has some feelings for me. When he was reviewing my performance, (the first 1 on 1 lunch), he seemed so shy and afraid to have eye contact with me. I asked him why he didn't hire me the first place, he said he kinda knew I'd quit anyways because I was still in university, but he eventually had to hire me cuz his receptionist had to quit. I was thinking that...is it meant to be that I have to see him again?? and the weird thing is...his office key can open my house door!! it was so creepy...I kept asking myself is this really meant to be? Almost everyday, he'd txt me and facebook me, we never did anything more...tho some of the messages that he sent me would make me think that he likes me. We kept that relationship for about a couple months...and suddenly he became so cold to me...a few more months later he announced that his wife was pregnant...so i guess that must be the reason why. After another couple months, he started to txt me/ facebook me again as if we were like before...his actions told me that he does have something for me...but I tried not to take seriously because I don't wanna lose my job...wht if he does that to everyone? or what if i misunderstood? but deep down i really wanna know if he likes me...abt a month before his wife is due, I had to quit because I found a more decent job...at that time..i didnt really think so much as I just want a better career...when I told him i had to quit...he told me he likes me. He told me that once he found out he might not ever see me again, that's when it hits home. He told me he didn't wanna let me go. He said he's attracted to me since we first met, he knew it wasn't right so he hid his feelings. He told me he tried to avoid me by not hiring me, by not talking to me while he found out his wife is preg, but at the end, he couldnt control himself. Eversince then, we are together, and that's May 2008. We had lots of happy times together, mostly sexual...i gave him my first time! =( we started to build emotional attachment towards each other, especially after our sexual relationship...the longer we're together, the more we can't get out of this!! We tried to break up twice but we fell back with each other again. He told me he doesn't love his wife and the reason why they got married is because he dated his wife for 6 years, he has to take the responsibility. He told me the first 2 years was still good...but after that...the feelings died down even more, especially his wife doesn't give him a good sex life at all...he said he tried to love his wife more, however couldn't...he jus has no feelings for his wife...he said before me, he only have sex with his wife 5 times a year max...he sweared to god after he was with me, he didnt have sex with his wife at all...
Everything was quite stable for abt 1.5 years until Dec 2009. I was on a vacation for 3 weeks, he promised me he wont have sex with his wife no matter what....and guess what?? He fu*king did!!! He admitted over the phone, cuz he felt so guilty abt it...he said he was drunk that night and that just happened...the worst thing is no protection...i was so worried abt his wife getting pregnant again..which means he'd have to stay with her FOREVER!! I was so mad that he betrayed me like that...while i was away...what abt his fu*king promise??? i was grossed out...how can he do that if he said he doesn't love his wife???? I washed my face with tears every single night during vacation...i lost a lot of weight cuz i couldn't eat at all..i was so fu*king down!!! even now when i think abt it....i'm still crying!! but i love him so much!! i dun have the courage to leave him!!! I just told him I'll talk to him when i'm back from my vacation.
When I was back...he was so guilty...and he gave me a 30K cheque...because he was extremely guilty...he said that's all he can do because he can't commit anything with me! he felt so guilty...he said he loves me..he said he was so wrong that night and didnt know why and how he did it. He doesn't wanna break up...he promised me he wont do it again..and will treat me better...however...the worst news finally came, his wife is fucking pregnant with that one time sex!! cuz his wife did it on purpose, she had sex with him during her ovulating period...she wants a 2nd baby....i'm sure it's a fucking trap!! now his wife is due this sept...and i'm still with this MM...unwanting to leave...wishing for a hope...wishing that his wife will find out abt us and there will be a result...either we break up or he divorce...i dunno...i know we will break up...he wont give up 2 kids....his wife wins...i'm such a loser!! i'm a big fu*king LOSER!!! i dunno wht to do now!! i dun wanna leave him...i love him so much...can you please tell me what to do?? i really wannabe with him!! i'm such a fool!!! My heart burns everytime I think about his second baby!!
If we can't be together they why do I have to meet him the first place??? I'm so lost! i know i can't find anybody like him ever again!! please tell me what to do!!!
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