Doubts about us
So the other day I wrote on here...I told the story of how we met online and in real and began dating, how he broke down and told me he was married after a year. Then I wrote about how we are different from alot of the stories. He's so sweet and loving to me. He's getting a divorce.
Now that we are so close, I'm having second thoughts. I love him so much. I know he loves me too, but i think he still loves her too.
When we met. He was in a strange state, I was not interesting in him, but we were just friends talking about weather. She had cheated on him with a friend of his. All the signs were there, he caught her, they stopped having for a long time, slept in different rooms, they fought everyday, they grew apart. I didn't know he was married. If he would have told me then, I wouldnt be here.
He met me online. He said that he noticed me from the begining cause I wasn't like the other girls online. He purpose was to talk to girls to make her jealous, and maybe save there marriage. He met me. We started a relationship. He changed alot. He gets better everyday. It was never about sex. I'm a virgin and he admires and respects that. We based our hold relationship about friendship, trust and itimacy since the begining.
We dated for months. I never spected a thing expect when he would say things like " you deserve more" " the man who marries you will be so lucky". He said it was like he was ashame with himself, and he held me close and tight. I didn't realize what he was trying to tell me. I don't think he wanted an affair. That wasn't his plan, and I was certainly not looking for anything online. We did NOT meet at a dating site. There I was, so stupid, smiling at him and he looked at me with sad eyes. He had issues dealing with trust. Sometimes when we fought he would yell out things, that I didn't understand...about trust. I would ask myslef 'what does that have to do with us' I realize now, those words weren't for me. They were for her. One day he broke down and told me. It was his shame, his secret. He know I would leave and I did.
But I stayed friends with him. And now 9months later here we are, more than friends ready in a few months to be together.
I love him, no doubt about that. I know he cares for me, but I want whats best for him. This is hard to think, write and say.
From the begining I think what he liked about me, was that i was different. I'm a loner, independant, I'm not flirty or flashing. I'm young but I'm old fashion and so is he. He's much older. We have so much in common in ideals, values, likes and dislike, we think the same, and have good sense of humor. we talk about beliefs, politics, movies, music, hobbies, interest. Regardless of how good we are, I worry that he does still love her and I am in the way. He would vent to me about their day. It was hurt to hear but I would listen and try to support him to make an effort. I get the feeling that he wants to rub it in her face, that the one she cheated with and wants to be with (an old married guy with kids) won't leave his wife, and that he has me...I'm young, beautiful, educationed, virign who he plans to marry. He says that I helped him move on but i see that it still makes him angry sometimes. Meaning that it still matter to him. Makes me wonder if he is still using me to make her notice him.
I love him. I want him to do whats best for him. I don't want to break with him angry. I want him to be happy even if its not with me. He tells me that he loves and wants me, but I don't want to continue if he unsure deep down inside. I worry that maybe he just wants me to help him forget her.
Then i worry about after. Maybe he does love me, but it will be a struggle after, ppl with refer to me as the OW. And because of our age difference ppl with be constantly commenting. If we continue this road, it will be a long process. I love him, I want whats best for him.
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