It’s an easier choice for someone who is involved in an extramarital affair whether or not he should confess to his/her partner if the the partner is ‘in the know’.
Imagine though, your spouse doesn’t know anything and you are smart enough to hide all evidence – or she/he might’ve turned a blind eye at your affair, who knows.
I have heard people telling me that if an affair is over, and you don’t intend to have it again, do NOT tell your partner. In fact, one of the people who told me this was my therapist/counselor – back in the days when I tried to get out of my affair.
Here is the deal, there is a big problem with Not telling about your affair.
Okay, you would probably agree, that getting that message across to your partner is good for you. It is less burden to your heart and you won’t have to worry about ‘what if that affair gets untold one day lala’…
But maybe the right question is how would you tell your partner about your extramarital affair. Is there ever a right time for it? especially if you care about your marriage/relationship and intend to save it.
Of course there is a risk of telling about your extramarital affair, but realise that there is also a risk for not telling. why do I say this?
because normally when someone is committed to an affair, the spouse will have a slight idea on what’s happening. However, unless it is out in the open, certain discussions will only be avoided for fears of ‘wrong accusation’. For the spouse who commits the affair, he/she will avoid this topic to make sure the affair will never get discovered.
The longer you keep it, the more you feel guilty of it. This also puts more and more dishonesty into the relationship. When there is dishonesty presents, you will find yourself easier to get irritated by the smallest thing. The way you look at your partner is different, causing more strain in your marriage.
And even if you do not get divorced, your marriage will start becoming empty/meaningless because of the secret you are trying to keep to death. You will start thinking over words before you say things, you might even suspect your spouse is cheating on you due to the guilty feeling.
This is exactly why although some relationship fall apart because of the extramarital affair confession, more relationship breaks due to attempt to hide a past extramarital affair.
Yes it is a hard decision. But if you commit an affair, there is no doubt you have to take responsibility of what happened.
You cannot escape from the truth and you either have to face telling your spouse the truth – or keep things hidden and be ’emotionally burdened’ for the rest of your life.
Hardly anyone can keep this secret until death anyway, and so it is a matter of time before things get discovered or you cannot handle the burden anymore. Not to mention some chances of the affair being discovered through some other party.
Yes finding out about an extramarital affair committed by your spouse is sh*t, but to find out about the affair from someone else is actually worse. Also, when you volunteer the information about your affair, at the very least you can choose the time and prepare yourself for the possible outcomes.
Now if you really want to save your marriage, you have to make sure that desire is known to your spouse as you tell her/him about your affair. You have to also be prepared to your spouse’ reaction and ready to deal with it no matter what happens. Be also prepared to your spouse distrusting you for at least a while – until you rebuild the trust in your relationship (See How to rebuild trust in relationships after the affair . will open in new window).
Good news is, most people will find themselves in stronger relationship once they survive infidelity in their relationships.