finally had the courage to end it

by A Fool
(NY, USA)

How did I end up in as the other woman? I had no self-esteem. I was divorcing after 16 years in an emotionally abusive marriage to a serial cheater, alcoholic, financial disaster of a man. I had two teen boys to raise alone after almost being bankrupted. I joined Weight Watchers and a marathon training group to lose weight. I lost 62 pounds! I told my 22 year older coach what I was going through. Stupid move on my part. I became prey. He became my best friend, confidant, and running partner/personal coach. He had me on a 4 day a week running schedule with him. Good alibi for his wife. I thought he was just a really nice, fatherly coach. I had no clue he was interested in me. He didn't act married! Well, he gradually pushed my boundaries. He said I was beautiful and how he wanted me to be his wife. I was his soul mate. He was sooooo in love with me. After being fat and in a sexless marriage, I sucked up every word. He made me feel beautiful, desirable, and sexy. It was incredible.

He texted me constantly and kept tabs on me. Wow - someone was paying attention to me. He gave me all the stupid lines about being in an unhappy marriage, living as roommates, no sex in 6 years. Because I was going through a divorce, I believed that he was divorcing, too. He pretended he was looking for an apartment and filing papers, but the deadlines kept changing. Things were complicated. Blah, blah, blah . . . You know the rest. I'm not a stupid woman. I have a PhD, but I totally fell for all of the lies. He was so good at making me feel that I wasn't patient enough. If I would just believe in him . . . Why would he lie to me?

I'm so glad that I found women sharing their MM stories online. I was so miserable and trapped, but I couldn't tell anyone. I had never done anything so horrible in my life. Your stories helped me see the truth of the situation. I was shocked and outraged at how many women fall for this. I thought my situation was unique. I kept reading and re-reading to build up the courage (and the anger) to end my relationship after wasting almost 4 years of my life. It took 4 tries of NO CONTACT during the 4th year, but I am finally free! I had many earlier attempts to end it in a "let's be friends" way, but that did not work. He weedled his way back in. He constantly crossed my boundaries.

I am lonely, but I can look at myself in the mirror again. The horrible pain, confusion, and frustration of having my emotional needs met by someone else's man is gone. I would rather be alone than ever feel that way about myself again. My head is finally clear so I can be productive at work and home. Being in limbo was like being in quicksand. I kept waiting for him to make it right so I could start living fully.

I am 30 days free, and I'm not getting sucked back in by his emotional games. He really knows what buttons to push to reel me back in. I had to cut contact completely. I had to change my routine. Over the year of disengaging myself from him, I gradually filled in whatever needs he was filling with healthier alternatives. Living the lie, I had cut myself off from friends and family because I didn't want them to know. I reversed that. Every time I thought I needed him for something, I figured out an alternative. I called my brother for help with my car. I went to lunch with my mother when I wanted to try a new restaurant. I started a girls nite out with some other women. I think I have friends now! I started volunteering with my son. I cuddle with my dog while I read a good book.

Most importantly, I got a therapist who I told the whole truth to. Hardest thing I ever did was to admit what I had done. I asked her to hold me accountable so that I could leave. I will have to live with hurting his wife and violating the sisterhood of women. The next steps are to build up my self-esteem so that I can have a healthy relationship. 16 years of a jerky husband + 4 years of an MM = 20 years wasted. I'm not wasting any more time with emotionally unavailable men.

To widen my safety net, I asked a few coworkers to support me in leaving an "unhealthy relationship." When he texts or emails (even though I've asked for NO CONTACT), I go tell them about it and ask them to hit me with a ruler.

I look back and can't believe I fell for it. And, I can't believe that I didn't leave when my gut told me to RUN! We are different women with the same stories. LEAVE NOW. DON'T WASTE ONE MORE DAY OF YOUR LIFE. YOU CAN DO IT. YOU ARE WORTH IT.

Comments for
finally had the courage to end it

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Sep 21, 2012
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Horray NEW
by: Anonymous

I was going through the same thing, 10yr bad relationship, and then mm for 1 1/2 and his wife found out and I was so glad b/c it felt like a big relief was lifted off my shoulder. I can live right and ask god to forgive me and move on. So congrats to you and me

Jan 31, 2012
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Congrats NEW
by: Christina

Thanks for sharing...it makes, hopefully, other women realize that the OW is not always the "devil", as commonly perceived. We get sold as big a bag of goods as the wife...if not more. Frequently in these situations women become "pitted" against each other. It is one of the most disturbing consequences of such situations...besides any children that may be affected, of course.

We all make mistakes. It takes a hell of a human being, like you, though, to recognize them, take responsibility, and try to do the right thing. Forgiveness to yourself is a huge step to the road to healing. You seem to be on that path. Good for YOU.

I feel like you...been there, done that. No more emotionally unavailable men--whether in a "committed" relationship or as the OW. I'd rather be ALONE. I can take myself out, see a movie, travel...a man doesn't have to be in the picture for sake of being "lonely".

Peace and love

Dec 12, 2011
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Thank you for sharing your story. NEW
by: Anonymous

OMG. Thank you. Thank you so much for your story! I just broke things off with a guy who has a live-in girlfriend. It was my third attempt over 6 months. It hurts so much because when I broke things off he practically called me a whore. Your story helps me believe I did what's right for me.

Dec 12, 2011
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Congrats NEW
by: Anonymous

Great! COngrats. Be Happy. May God Bless you.
I wish I can do it too. I have just written my story here but it does not show up yet. I want to get free too

Nov 01, 2011
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Congrats
by: Erica

I am so happy for you. One day in life you will look back n say why did I take so long. You will find someone 2 complete you if that what you want... I think your already complete.

Oct 07, 2011
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thank you for your story
by: Anonymous

powerful stuff..

Sep 28, 2011
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good luck
by: Anonymous

'I kept waiting for him to make it right so I could start living fully.'
I read and re-read this line many times.
That is the essance of an affair with a MM.
And that is where we delude ourselves and where all the lies lie.
So good on you for waking up to it, as I have.
Never a truer word was spoken.


Aug 05, 2011
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good for you!!!
by: from empty love

If just one someone heard me, that's good. They'll (MM) pray on what will allow them to pray on for their own satisfaction, and in the end you'll get NOTHING!! NO true love, no marriage, no honesty, a broken heart for all your dreaming of someday being with him. ..The loser, the betrayer, the user, the unfaithful piece of crap!! Stay away from MM its a loosing heartache game, and you'll be the loser. Be greatfull the affair was only 4 years. Stay strong and love yourself 1st. Do for your self 1st. My stupid MM said to me after the reckoning, We had fun... yea sure we had fun. he meant we had fun, now go home now I want to be with my NEW women. Have faith in Karma
Empty Love

Aug 04, 2011
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It 's Familiar
by: Carol

Many elements of your story are the similar to mine.

I don't feel as though the 3 years with MM were totally wasted.

There was a lot going on for me I wouldn't have coped with without the fantasy I lived in.

Also in hindsight, I know how a creep operates now.

I am now 8 months NC

Things get better daily. I can concentrate on different areas of my life and rebuild my world after the fall out of the affair.

I am at the stage where I really despise him and hope to see him on a spit in hell. It's anger I know. It could change as time goes on.

Change any contact details that you can and con't allow him to crash through your boudaries ever again.

Carol

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