I Am Woman Still Moving On After A 4 Year Relationship With a Married Man
Somehow, I think my story is unique - and am realizing it probably is not! I am quite attractive, sensual, even at 62. I met Rick who worked in a local grocery store while my husband was going through stage 4 colon cancer. We had been married 20 years and had an unbreakable bond. I did everything on earth to save my spouse, and it nearly killed me. But through that ordeal and the great hospice care afterwards, my husband eventually died after an 18 month battle - I was totally devasted. Continuing to live was a daily battle for me. But, at least, I really knew the meaning of sacrifice and the depth of spiritual and emotional love.
Rick found out about my grief when I broke down sobbing shortly afterwards in his store. A few months later, we were completely involved. I felt alive again!! Of course, his wife was - and still is, dying. However, she has managed to go to travel thousands of miles to visit her favorite interests several times,always returning in relapse. I felt so protected with Rick. He even spent the night at least once a week! And I gave him the keys to my house - for a sense of being together for safety and of belonging - just like in a marriage.However,I suspect and wonder if he might have been a substitute, a fix - as if he was actually part of my denial and some of the grieving process. Broke up with him a few times, but not for long. This last time set a record - 5 months, as opposed to a week. Even though I do believe we are still deeply in love our mutual dependecy became somewhat boring and finally killed the sex and romance. I am still getting through it by writing a novel, learning tai chi, acupunture treatments, long beachwalks,internet dating, journaling, being very close to my best girlfriend, sometimes meds for anxiety, eating very healthy foods,prayer.I may see a counsler. But I mostly realized and slowly accepted that I no longer wanted to be his therapist: listen to the same details about his wife and work. Frankly, I suspect he is a bit relieved. Istill have to stop myself from contacting him. Yes, I love him dearly. But he is "duty" bound to his wife. Does he have someone else now? Maybe.However, if he really wanted to be with me, he would be right here. I know our very special time spent together will live in my heart forever. But I want my soulmate to be with me/us, as a monogamous couple - exclusively. I have to conciously recall that time really does heal. And it is difficult for me as a single woman to socialize. But, that, too, is part of moving on. Understanding, acceptance, living with heartbreak and the great memories plus longing,trying new things,self-awareness, faith - is all a huge part of the package in this transition.And forgiving us both. Besides, cheating myself is not necessary. There are answers I am not even aware of yet - but they arrive bit by bit. It is a growth process. And, if he were single,(and not cheating), I would be with him as his one and only faithful woman. Otherwise, not a chance.
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