I hate myself.
Yes I have been the other woman, for 5 years I was the other woman. I wanted so badly to believe he loved me and not her. I wanted so badly to believe that we were soul mates, and I wanted so badly to have HIM love me and only ME. By the end, and I am sorry to say the end takes a long long time, I was angry, miserable, crazy, sad, addicted and destroyed. I was everything but happy. Oh sure it started out happy, seeing eachother, then emailing, then calling, then sex. It felt so good to be 'loved'. The guilt and the shame came later although it was always there, I just have an amazing ability to hide it, I should say the guilt and the shame showed its ugly head later. I soon realized I didn't feel like the other woman, but that SHE was the other woman. That SHE was in the way of MY relationship. Did I mention that I was crazy. Yes that is crazy thinking. I would hear words like 'its a process', or 'if it weren't for my kids I would have left a long time ago'. I am sure all 'other women' have heard the same thing. In the end, what I realized, I was a statistic, I wasn't loved, I wasn't wanted, I wasn't important. I was a statistic. I still ask myself how in the world did I let it get this far? How did I allow myself to believe that we would really be together if I just waited a little bit longer? I tell you girls, that 'little bit longer' NEVER comes. I hate to say that I still think about him, I probably will for a long time if not forever but I am happy to say it gets easier. I would never offer advice, as I feel we all need to come to our own conclusions, as it works much better when WE can decide and make the right decision for ourselves, but I will say that once you decide to leave allow yourself time to grieve, for this was a powerful, and at times very loving relationship that has died. I want to say I hate him for what he has done to me, but really what I hate is myself. It is time to forgive and move forward and see what other possibilities await. Good Luck, with whatever you decide.
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