I hate myself.

Yes I have been the other woman, for 5 years I was the other woman. I wanted so badly to believe he loved me and not her. I wanted so badly to believe that we were soul mates, and I wanted so badly to have HIM love me and only ME. By the end, and I am sorry to say the end takes a long long time, I was angry, miserable, crazy, sad, addicted and destroyed. I was everything but happy. Oh sure it started out happy, seeing eachother, then emailing, then calling, then sex. It felt so good to be 'loved'. The guilt and the shame came later although it was always there, I just have an amazing ability to hide it, I should say the guilt and the shame showed its ugly head later. I soon realized I didn't feel like the other woman, but that SHE was the other woman. That SHE was in the way of MY relationship. Did I mention that I was crazy. Yes that is crazy thinking. I would hear words like 'its a process', or 'if it weren't for my kids I would have left a long time ago'. I am sure all 'other women' have heard the same thing. In the end, what I realized, I was a statistic, I wasn't loved, I wasn't wanted, I wasn't important. I was a statistic. I still ask myself how in the world did I let it get this far? How did I allow myself to believe that we would really be together if I just waited a little bit longer? I tell you girls, that 'little bit longer' NEVER comes. I hate to say that I still think about him, I probably will for a long time if not forever but I am happy to say it gets easier. I would never offer advice, as I feel we all need to come to our own conclusions, as it works much better when WE can decide and make the right decision for ourselves, but I will say that once you decide to leave allow yourself time to grieve, for this was a powerful, and at times very loving relationship that has died. I want to say I hate him for what he has done to me, but really what I hate is myself. It is time to forgive and move forward and see what other possibilities await. Good Luck, with whatever you decide.

Comments for
I hate myself.

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Apr 15, 2011
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inspiring
by: Anonymous

Thank you for such and inspiring story.I can relate to every word including the 5 years.that is the length of my relationship.You have given me a new way to look at a old relationship.

Mar 19, 2011
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make it stop
by: Anonymous

For as much as I think I am the one he loves and for as often as he tells me and makes me feel I am, there are always little hints that I am not. If a man truly loves you, wouldn't he put your feelings first just like you do his?

Thank you for writing and allowing me to read this. Although I can say I am not willing to end my relationship yet, I will always have your words to help me until it is finally over.

Nov 18, 2010
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THANK YOU!!!
by: Anonymous

Thank you for this inspiring post. I can relate to everything you said. I just called it quits in a 2 year off and on affair from hell. The highs were great....but the lows were horrible. I compromised who I was...all my morals...and now I am angry....at myself. I do resent him as well.....because of course he mislead me and played with my emotions. It ended very badly...and I think sometimes that's the way it does have to happen so that both parties can let go and move on with their lives. Most of these guys.....have cheated before and most likely will do it again. I lost all respect for him. I am happy to say we've had no contact for 3 weeks. It's hard....but it's just like kicking a bad habit. So worth it....to empty your life of this toxic affair. I feel the best I've felt in a long time...and I'm proud I made the right decision! Peace to you all and good luck! :)

Oct 31, 2010
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ABSOLUTELY TRUE!
by: Anonymous

Thank you for your post. You are soooo right! I am in a similiar situation...just ended it with a MM after almost 2 years. I have never in my entire life felt so drained....upset....crazy...confused...and just like an awful person. I resent him....yes I sure do because he strung me alone. But I am upset with myself...for not making better decisions and recognizing those red flags in the beginning. Or better yet....to just avoid involvement with a married man. These stolen relationships are truly addictive...it's not love. We think it is.....but our heads are so far in the clouds we can't think straight. Atleast I couldn't. It has now been 2 weeks since the break-up and I can say. I am started to feel relief. I feel like a decent human being. And at the end of the day....that's what counts. Good luck to you....:)

May 22, 2010
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in pain
by: Anonymous

I have made the decision last night to cut contact. He called today but I didn't pick up. Good luck to me. Glad I am in another country now which makes it easier but not for a 12-year relationship.
Love this website, there are just so many similarities in what all of us went thru, and now reading the encouragement makes me wanna leave him more and start a new life for myself. Thank you!

Apr 18, 2010
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know that feeling....
by: Anonymous

it has been 2 mths for me now,,i too hate myself for what i did..we live and learn,,i can deffo tell you i have learnt..like you i still hurt and cant help missing him..which i quickly remind myself of how it made me feel..i dont miss .the worry,the sleepless nights,the sneaking around,the guilt,the will he wont he..my mind is clearer.i sleep at night better..i can honestly say to you,this guy had me wrapped around his finger..not the chance many people get from me..but i stayed for 2 yrs of that crap and a further yr of txting and sending me flowers...i cut this off completely..changed home num.mobile num changes.got rid of all that reminds me,,and work hard not to look bk..guess i came to the conclusion,he wasnt mine to have,,fair ply to you for getting out..like these other woman,it took EVERY BIT OF STRENGHTH TO WALK AWAY..this guy was the best thing that happened to me....but i just knew he would never do the right thing,,it was totally.DESTROYING ME.....there was no other option left..goodluck to you and your healing heart..from someone who knows the PAIN.XXXXXXXX

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