In the middle of it all
Let me begin by saying that I take responsibility for being in this situation. I went to him after receiving what I thought were very strong messages from him to approach him. He denies that he was initially interested, but after getting to know him and how he covers his tracks I can see that this is just one more trick up his sleeve. He really wants to be the man-the big man. I do love this man. However it has to end...today. And if you knew the whole history you'd be rolling your eyes saying riiiight. I have put myself in a position that is so painful that only other OTHER women would understand. Being the one that gets so turned on by a man that makes you feel so wanted one minute and then so much of nothing the next. I have no idea how I got here but I cannot believe I am. I think of myself as strong and independent but now willing to be told how to act in social situations by him so that his wife won't catch on. Practically begging to have him come be with me and be told no like I'm some needy child. I've given up many things that were important to me to make room for being able to spend time with him. I've tolerated sexist comments and insults to my very own character and judgement all to appease him or ignore the fact that guy is really not the person I am meant to be with. Not to mention the fact that I really do think about what this could do to his wife. It kills me to think that I am doing this to another woman. She doesn't deserve this. I certainly would never trust him. Before anyone says it or thinks it-it has happened to me before-I do know how it feels-I just can't understand how I got to be here either. I could tell you the crappy things he has done and said to me, but it wouldn't do it justice. I can tell you about the time I finally said yes to going out to dinner with someone just for company. I was totally up front with the married guy and he freaked out. He became hyper attentive. Even showing up at my house the next morning unannounced to "surprise me". Bologna-he was checking to see if that guy would be there in the morning because he couldn't believe that I could be with someone without sleeping with them. I ended up ending my friendship with dinner date guy because married guy said I was two-timing him. I know what you're all thinking. What??? I'm two-timing. And now I see how crazy these situations can make a person. The amount of denial, conniving, deceiving, plotting and lying takes its toll and so much energy. I don't like myself much now. I wouldn't want to be my friend. I have three children and I know I would be so ashamed of me if I were them and found out what I was doing. I've distanced myself from family and friends knowing all along that I have to continue to lie to them to cover my tracks and that if they found out would never understand how I could lie to their faces. Truthfully I know things will be better when this is over. It hurts now and I don't feel strong or empowered. I do want to have the last word because I know he'll just continue to do this with someone else. I just have to do this for my own sanity.
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