Married man for over 6 years now I know it's wrong but........
Well I've been involved with MM for over six years. It all started when I was getting tyres on my car and a man being served was smiling at me. E wore no ring so naturally I thought he was single. Anyway he left and it's not the kind of thing I'd do but I assumed he worked close by so I rang this business where I saw the same car he had been in. The receptionist answered and I described him, she put me through to him (which he denied at the time) and I left my number. Anyway I got a call from another person claiming he was MM, and wanted to meet me. When I did I realized it wasn't the person I'd seen originally, and then this man explained that The MM was married and has a string of girls. I didn't know what ro think. So now knowing his name I rang asking for him we talked for a while and then he wanted to meet me after work. So I went after hours he was the only one there. We had our first kiss a little peck then that was the start of it.
I must admit the first nite we were intimate felt different so I think that's what made me stay, but then all the stories started coming out how he slept with the cleaner at work, he got drunk at a work do and ended up goin home with work colleagues Helen n another woman where he had a threesum which he said he didn't want and that they raped him cos he was drunk. Then telling me about prostitutes he'd had sex with, strippers, his wife's friend as his wife had a shower, how he touched up his wife's sister, the list went on n on, I didn't judge at all bu started to think what was I? He invited me out and ignored me completely carrying on with other women there tellin me he couldn't let anyone know who I was. So then It started for me, I slept with a few people in the first two years, as I was hearing his constant stories about him with others, he was still having sex with his wife twice a week, plus me, but I was missing out on what I truly wanted, a real relationship. He found out I cheated on him n it hurt him he stayed but to this day he calls me a Cheater n brings it up constantly picking a fight.
Yet he doesn't understand why I did it even after many tears n trying o make him see. All that has happened is I've lost friends, jobs, my self worth all because I let him rule me. I'm too scared to have a phone, or even have it ring as he questions n picks fights about me seeing someone yet his phoneis always on silent he never answers my calls he is secretive with it hiding it and never letting it leave his side, and I'm always told it's none of my business. If I don't answer he sends texts like "u must b busy well I'm goin out to find a f$&k". I'm on constant egg shells. My stress is so high I now have panic/anxiety attacks. My doctor prescribed medication I've bn to counsellors, but still I can't break away. When he s with me he puts on the tears n tells me he loves and that he can never be without me n he doesn't know what he would do if I died or wasn't here. So then I fall back into his trap. nothing has changed. I've never bn taken out.
My birthdays he jus says " it jus another $&ken day". Xmas's I've never spent one with him, Easter nothing valentines even. It's not what I want, I've bn through so much pain. He got involved with drugs in the last 18 months, nearly died twice, came to m house one night high as pulled out cocaine and told me if I love him I'd take it with him, I cried n cried, as I watched him snort it I couldn't believe he would do this to me, he knew my feelings on drugs. He had a bag of the crap on him I was so disappointed. I've lost all my trust in him, I don't trust where he goes what he does nothing. My hurt has turned to anger frustration extreme jealousy hatred, it's like I want to make him suffer for all that he has done o me then I will leave. He has change who I am. From being a really soft person he has hardened me. Every business trip he's been on he's always been so sus. I've found women's numbers in his car n wallet. The lies.there is so much more I can write but it would b a book, his wife has known bout it since the first year, she has rammed my car, been to my house smashed my window, but he blames me for it all, am I stupid what is wong with me? I'm attractive intelligent n do have single men wanting me but I don't allow it because I love him, even after all thebthings he puts me through, the put downs, everything, he is emotionally n mentally n physically abusive n I've started to become a woman full of rage n hatred n jus want to make him suffer.
What can I do? I know it's not healthy but I refuse to leave?
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