My dream became my nightmare

by julie
(rochester, ny)

I am in a relationship with a married man. It's been going on (and off) for 20 years.

He is my high school sweetheart and what I thought was my soul mate. I've been married twice and had it in my mind (and heart) that I would never find the love I had with him or how I felt when I was with him.

I (we) have been caught by our spouses at least 10 times in the past 12 years. So we would cool it of awhile but always end up seeing each other again. This patten obvioulsely lead to the end of my marriage.

I back to my home town (also his) about a year and 1/2 ago and within 2 weeks starting seeing him again....he told his wife about us, and ended it with her....somewhat. He never left the house. After about 6 months I started seeing changes in his behavior and actions with me and he admitted that he was back with her. He claimed his children (15, 18 and 25) all told him that if he wasn't going to be with their mother then they would rather see him move out then see her live through the daily tourment. He choose to stay.

I have no idea how I came to the decision to stay in the relationship. I guess I felt that he loved me enough and wouldn't be able to live a double life. That was over a year ago.

I have ended the relationship over 30 times, only to take him back after a few days.

I live a daily life of when, for how long and will he ever be with just me.

I am on medication, in therapy and am hanging onto my job by a thread because of my realtionship with him. But I still feel we are soulmates, he is the love of my life and my best friend, regardless of the daily hurt he puts me through.

I struggle daily with the obvious, why don't I just end it. He has promised me the rest of his life if I can wait 3 more years until his youngest graduates. Pathetically enough I believe him, sometimes......

I am smart enough to realize that our relationship is anything but perfect, but our time together seems to heal the pain enough for me to continue it....I've said it all....all of you or nothing....get out of my life, you can't possibly love me like you claim if your doing this to me.....and just can't seem to end it with him....

I am looking for the strenght to get my life back....to care about anything but what he's doing....something. To make my family, friends and career important again....I am slowley dying inside, while he continues to promise me a life.

I have heard from several people that if I leave him, and make him miss me, miss what we have....I will find out the truth. I have to admit, with him staying there and lying daily I am afraid to find out the truth. Afraid of loosing him forever....

Why I put myself through this daily torment is beyong my understanding. I am an intellegent, attractive women.

I have to end the realtionship with the person who I love the most in this world and just don't know how to do it.

The best phrase I have read lately is: never make someone your priority when they only make you an option. My life in a nutshell.

Mentally and emtionally drained is how I would describe myself. I am looking for the strenght, courage and wisdom to end and know it is what's best for ME.....

Comments for
My dream became my nightmare

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Sep 05, 2011
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Love stinks....
by: Anonymous

Oh, no. I'm a MW involved with a MM. He's getting divorced, but I have no plans to do so. I've ended things with him so many times. He's even ended things with me once. But we still wind up together.

I hope you find out your solution, and quick! I hope I find my solution quickly also. :"(

Apr 09, 2011
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understand
by: Anonymous

I completely understand everything you are going through, your words explain most of it. My biggest fear is by the time I am done waiting for his kids to be grown will the damages to my heart be repairable?

Mar 24, 2011
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I know..
by: Anonymous

I share your nightmare too. Left him countless times over 8 years. But each time, he would repeatedly text me, send me heart rending messages until I replied, or he would pop up at my doorstep without notice and it would start all over again. I had stopped seeing him over 4 months, but he started contacting me again early this month and once again dejavu...Already met twice. I go all mushy again. Yet my alarm bells are ringing. I had decided to move away 4 months ago and will be leaving next month to a place he hasn't been. With all these renewed emotions spiralling away, I am half tempted to have him back in my life howbeit..infrequently but...i know it is all so wrong, so hard and so painful...I am garnering strength to leave again..hopefully for good now...

Jan 17, 2011
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I understand
by: Anonymous

your pain. The difference for me is that I am a man, seeing a married woman. She promises the world...telling me she will leave yet something always happens to prevent her from doing so. They don't even have any kids together. Her excuses are actually pretty pathetic now. It hasn't been 20 years, but it hurts like it has. I sent her an email today breaking it off, because I cannot do it on the phone. I hope I am strong enough to keep away...this time.

Good luck to you. You seem like a nice woman. Find yourself someone who can be all yours...the way you deserve.

Dec 28, 2010
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I know..
by: Anonymous

I know how you feel.. Other people's opinions and input about your personal situation does not help anything, because you can not help the way you feel. Some people just have a strong connection with certain people in their lives that will last till the day you both die.

Aug 29, 2010
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I agree
by: Sally-Ann

I've also been in a relationship with a married man and have ended it about ten times. Every time I meant it, every time he managed to persuade me otherwise.

It has been nearly two years now and because we live 200 miles apart, we only see each other a few times a year. But he still expects me to speak to him every single day, and send dozens of texts per day, and to keep him abreast of where I am going, with whom.

In short, I am a presence in his life, a friend, a listener, an ego boost, that allows him to carry on his own unhappy marriage. I give him what he doesn't get from his wife, but which gives him the strength to stay at home to nurture their two sons.

He will never leave. He says he will, one day. But I know he won't.

I am gradually weaning myself off him but the fear of ending it and losing that faux romance is a terrifying one. So I know exactly how you feel.

You have invested so much in this that to end it now, with no return, is almost unthinkable.

I wonder whether we use our married men as a subconscious excuse to avoid getting involved with someone real? Perhaps our commitment phobia is just as bad as his? Do we really want someone there 24/7, to live with, and marry, and face real life with?

Just a thought. And one I have asked myself often.

Good luck, we're here if you want to chat more.

Aug 29, 2010
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you know the answer
by: Anonymous

oh sweetheart ,that was hard to read without feeling very sad on the years you have wasted..you know the answer,20yrs is screaming LOUD AND CLEAR..

i got out after 2 yrs,and a 3rd of txting and sending me flowers..3 yrs is bad enough,poor you..this guy OBVIUOSELY is going no where.darling dont waste another 3 waiting for the youngest,,thats carazy thinking.honestly.i adored mine.he ticked every box,i was smitten,he treated me like a queen,,not with presents,just respect and love.i wanted him more then anything......till one day...my health was bad..lost weight,was crying all the time,isolateing myself from the world..AND FOR WOT,,for him to go home after haveing me.settle down with his family,untill he needed me again..like you im attractive,bad speller.

im strong and clever.but still found myself here..get rid,,dont wait to see if he comes running,,he has had 20 yrs.and more opportunitys than he deserves..i could have quite easily have let this go on,and he would have happily let me dO it..dont ruin the rest of your life..read my story on here..title IM FREE..THESE GUYS ARE PLAYERS,IT DOESNT MEAN THAT THEY DONT THINK THEY LOVE YOU.THEY ARE GETTING THE VERY BEST OF BOTH WORLDS..take your life back,be strong shut it down..sleeping and wakeing happy is priceless..

im still on my own,but ready to look for someone that wants to show me off and be proud to let people know we are a couple..do it.....when you look bk,you will cringe on the yrs he took..goodluck to you my friend.....xxxxxxxx

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