My Life

by Suri
(Los Angeles)

15 years ago I was involved with a married man. I was very much in love with him and he with me. Our relationship lasted about a year before I decided that I needed MORE and that what I was doing was WRONG. It hurt me to the point of depression to break it off with him, but I did it. I moved on with my life and he continued to contact me throughout all these years. I got married 6 years ago and had a child. The man I married was a wonderful person. Emotionally giving, honest, hard-working and a overall excellent husband and father. The problem was, I was never in love with him, I loved him, but I married him because I knew he was a worthy man and that he would respect our marriage no matter what. Our marriage started to feel like more of a friendship. Brother and sister even--on my part any way. He was in love with me and still is to this day. We had one child and I lost one at eight months pregnant. I didn't have a miscarriage, but gave birth to a stillborn baby boy. We were devastated. I suffered terrible depression for a year until I started to see a therapist. I was diagnosed as having Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. From the time I lost my son, I simply lost all feeling for my husband. I started talking to the married man again because talking to him seemed to bring me out of my depression. It was the only thing besides my beautiful baby daughter that made me feel connected to something.

Fast forward to 2 years later: I am legally separated from my husband and married man from 15 years ago left his wife about 7 months ago. We are pursuing our relationship. It wasn't the perfect solution, but it was the right one. You see, I NEVER in the whole 15 years stopped loving or caring for him. No one ever took his place. He never in the whole 15 years stopped loving or caring for me either. We got the chance to be together once more and decided to take it.

But here is the thing. The only reason we are finally together is because we both decided to leave our marriages. I did the right thing leaving that relationship behind 15 years ago. At the time, he had small children and a wife who wasn't working. He had responsibilities and commitments. I had no place in that scenario.

I am 39 years old and he is now 46. I am not ridiculous enough to think that our lives will unfold like a fairy tale--I am a practical, sensible woman if nothing else. We are a new couple just starting out. And just like any new relationship, I don't know what will happen, I can't be sure that we will ride-off into the sunset because it was our destiny to be together. But this time around, I know we've got a chance at a clear shot because we are both SINGLE...and that makes me feel dam lucky!!

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