On/off and trying to stop but not really wanting to
Ive been with my MM for over a year. I'm a MW. He's 42 and I'm 36. It's on and off a lot since christmas because his guilt gets to him. He loves his family including his wife's family and hates that he is lying to them all. He is worried that he will be like his dad who left when he was a kid and only got in touch last year. He keeps trying to stop but we work together and end up getting under each others skin again within hours sometimes.
I know I'll always love my MM and I know I will always be very special to him whether we are together or not. I want to be his one and only but he's honest enough with me to say he can't leave his wife and children. Although I want to be with him, I don't want him to finish his marriage because of me because that can only be bad for us.
We recently had the most magical few days. We took time off work to spend the day together, we went out for an evening too where he told me that i make him want to commit to me. But then it all blew up because it was mentioned to me at work that we spend too much time together! He freaked out and said he couldn't cope with thr personal and professional implications of being found out. A total 180 turnaround brought on by fear! I was so anvry at him but i was going on holiday - i was terribly upset, came back and within a day he was holding me like he never wanted to let go and again we discussed him being with me but again how he couldn't leave his family - he just can visualise it.
But Yesterday after a fun day flirting (i was too busy to meet with him) he suddenly flipped out again and said he won't leave his family and this has to stop. I thought on it because the words are true but they're not always how he feels - I know if he could he would split himself in two and be with me in our own life. So today we were supposed to go running. He asked me if i still would, so I wrote that I want to go running, spend the afternoon in his arms, go home with him, sleep with him and wake up next to him in the morning, but I can't have any of that. He reiterated he can't leave his wife so this must stop.
So I told him we need to take a month not speaking to each other to think about what we really want. He agreed which I found odd considering he just said about stopping ans not leaving his wife - if he is so sure he can't leave his wife and wants to stop then why agree to it? But I regret it already because as I said, I don't want him to finish his marriage for me - I don't think he will anyway. I think he may be using this time to try to distance himself instead. He has always said we must stay friends as he can't think of me not part of his life. I am worried this month will not make him miss me, but will help him get over me instead! . Also I miss his friendship so much after just a day - how do I go a month?? This month long tactic worked for a friend of mine but im not holding my breath. My girlfriends are encouraging me to do it because at least then we are a month down the road since last contact and things should be easier to stop completely.
I don't want to stop. I just want him part of my life one way or another. He's always been so honest with me I just can't get angry at him or dislike him. It makes him more lovable to me. He makes me feel like no one else ever has. He says he feels about me like he felt for his wife when fhey were first together as teens. He said he never thought he could feel like this again. When he tried to stop us previously he has thanked me within hours for sticking with him tellin me that I need to keep pulling him back to me because he loves me.
I just don't know what to do. To me what we have is beautiful even though I know it will be seen as seedy. But when it's just him and I walking for a coffee, having a pub lunch, going for a run, there's no one else in the world just the two of us.
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