Please help me
(Toronto, Ontario, Canada)
Compared to many of you who have shared your stories on here, mine may not seem as painful because my affair with my MM didn't last for very long. But the pain is literally paralyzing me and I think about him and try and figure out what happened all day every day.
We met online on a site that was similar to Ashley Madison. I'm divorced and have been for 4 years. I've had a couple of unsuccessful relationships with single men and didn't want to get into another relationship, but wanted a man in my life for physical reasons primarily.
After the second time we met for coffee, we were both hooked. The texting, the phone calls, the emails - we were in contact all day every day. When our affair turned physical about 3 weeks into it, it just cemented the feelings we had for each other.
He's not married, but has lived with his girlfriend for 5 years. Their relationship - from what he told me - is not good - more roommates than anything else. They have nothing in common, but she seems to have some kind of hold on him - both financial and emotional.
I know that my friends just think he was playing me, but I know that the feelings we had were real. I could tell by how he looked at me, how he kissed me, how he couldn't go a couple of hours without texting or calling me....it was real and I know it.
We had many discussions about him leaving...he even started to look at apartments. We talked about the future all the time and he kept telling me how miserable he was with her and how happy I made him. I met some of his friends who also told me how unhappy he was and how controlling she was. She wouldn't let his kids come to their house, she wouldn't do anything with his family or friends because she didn't like them, she didn't share any of his hobbies with him and yet he stayed.
The day he was going to look at another house to rent (he's not very well off financially and I know he is somewhat dependent on her salary) she found out about us. She found a letter and some texts between us. She had a major emotional breakdown and he felt extremely guilty. He said he didn't want to let me go but just needed some time to figure things out. I told him that I couldn't do it anymore and that I'd always love him. The next day, I couldn't stand it and I contacted him. We met up the next night and again he told me that he wanted to be with me, he loved me and he'd figure it all out. After I left, he sent me a beautiful email about our future together.
The next morning he texted me to say she had looked at his phone while he was in the shower and seen his email to me. He was really upset and so was she.
All day long he texted me asking me to be patient, that this would probably mean the end for them. On his way home he called me and told me that they were going to talk that night and that he'd text me later. I told him not to take any chances and just to call me at work the next day.
About 2 hours later I got the "we're going to try and work things out" email. I was devastated. The next day when I texted him to say how could he be so cold and callous less than 24 hours after telling me he loved me and wanted a future with me and he responded that she was sitting beside him when he sent the email and that he didn't want to be so cold. I asked him if this is what he wanted and he said that she wanted to try again without any distractions and he felt that he "owed it to her" to at least try.
A week went by with no contact and I couldn't stand it. I sent him a text asking if any of what we had was real or if it was just an act, and if he was happy. He replied that it was all real - everything he ever said to me was true and that he never acted. Then he said he was happy at home now and for me to take care of myself. I sent a scathing email back and we haven't spoken or texted since.
That was 17 days ago. I thought for sure I'd hear from him over the holidays - but nothing.
Can someone please help me understand why he would stay with someone he was unhappy with and risk losing the person he was happy with? They don't even have kids together and are not married. In fact, she hates his kids and they hate her! How can he not contact me when we were used to texting and calling each other all day? Does he really not miss me? Doesn't he care if I meet someone else? Can they really be working out a relationship that was so bad before we even met???
Please help me understand this so that I can move on. Will I never really hear from him again?? Not a day goes by that I don't want to contact him....will that ever go away?
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