Talking myself out of this...
know that this is wrong. I'm reading all the stories, tyring to convince myself. But I just have to say. Yes he lied to me, told me he was married almost a year after we were together. No we haven't had yet. Yes, I was or am a fool. But I love him. Why?
Its been 1yr and 7months He's older than me. He's kind. He's not like the stories. He doesn't rush me, never crossed. He devotes alot of time to me. He's sweet to me. He makes me laugh. We talk for hours. We have alot in common. He's always there for me. He's concerned for me, he's protective of me, he worries about me. He's first affectionate, he likes to hold, hug and kiss, to hold hands. He's good to me. He makes me smile. He's a gentlemen. I feel safe with him. He listens to me. He reasons with me. He gets jealouse easy.
It was his secert, his shame and when he told me he was married, it became my secert and shame. He tried to discourage me because he cares for me. But I stayed. He wife cheated on him. He found proof. Now he's seperating and i love him. I want to be with him, but I love him and I want whats best for him. How is something soo wrong, feel so right? A part of me doesnt want him to leave for me. If I had known he was married I would have never talked to him, but i was too in love with him when he told me.
My biggest fear is that he will change his mind along the road. He says that he didnt mean to but he fell in love with me. And I believe that he loves me. But how can he forgot so easy his... They had kids together. And when he talks about her he is so angry because of what happen. If she hadn't done it, he wouldn't have met me. To me that means he still cares for her. It hurts to think that. Why else would it bug him so. Its sad to think I might be the OW and the rebound. I'm scared that he might change his mind, and then it will be heartbrake for alot of people including myself. When he told me, we decided to be friends, but we are more than friends. He asked me if i thought it was possible to love two people. That was months ago. He says he loves me and hes seperating and paying his debts and filing divorce. He wants to be with me the right way, after sepration and divorce. I worry, this can't be the right thing, can it? But i love him and I worry because I want him to be happy. This is a hard decision.
We talk about all the fears and doubts. I worry he will change his mind. He worries I might resent him later or meet someone else, younger and less baggage. We are looking at places, paying old debts, looking on solutions how to make it all work. I just don't know or think its the right thing, but it feels so right. I'm confused. My heart betrays my mind. Maybe in the end he's a liar like the others and I am too in love and blind to see. I hope not though. I hope that God gives me a light or a way out of this confusion.
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