Torn in two....

I met him online. We started as friends, but even then from the moment we met there was something about one another. I wasn't interested in him. It was so innocent conversations like "how are you?" "nice weather today." Then more emails, messages, facebook, texting, phone calls and we randomly met, it was like fate, by total accident. We have to much in common. Strange, I am 24yrs, and he's 39yrs. We were friends and then we started a relationship.

He was, I thought, my best friend. He was there for me whenever I needed him. We talked all day and night. We became inseperable. We talked about our beliefs, values, ideals, music, everything, goals, dreams.

But there was something wrong. Throughout the whole year we had ups and downs but we overcame them and we were happy. We change alot for one another. He wasn't the same guy I met, he was better. But then he would look at me. He looked so sad and ashamed. He would look at me and say, "I'm sorry" or "if you knew," "the guy who marries you will be so lucky" "you deserve more" "you deserve better than me" and he would hold me so tight and I didnt understand why he would always say that. I just looked at him, I thought he was alittle dramatic, but sweet. I should of realized that he was trying to tell me something. After almost a year together he told me, he was married. My world fell and it all made sense.

When I met him, I thought of every bad scenario I could, but that never crossed my mind. How could I be so stupid? He knew me. I am a virgin, and he respected me and he knew I would leave and I did. But I did the wrong thing, I stayed friends with him. I wanted to know why? And now 9months later and we are more than friends and I become the other woman. We still haven't.

At first and sometimes I disgust myself cause I'm not that kind of person to be with someone else guy. I'm that girl, the one who has a career, level headed, is responsible, volunteers at hospitals and senior homes. It kills me, when everyone thinks so highly of me, and no one knows my shame. At first it was his secret, his shame, and now its my secret, my shame. I keep asking myself, where am I? Where is that girl who had a life plan, who had dreams of her career, who put others first, who everyone admires. I wish I could be me again. I'm a young educated smart (dare I say) beautiful girl, how did i let myself get here? I loved him so much, its hard to be without him.

He told me that his wife cheated on him, and can't forgive her. They don't talk, they are in different rooms, no sex, they work opposite hours, they are very different. He has kids. He met me a few months after he found out. He says it was a big blow for him. He said he didn't mean for it to go that far or for him to fall in love with me. I wasn't looking for a boyfriend or anything online. I was just passing the time.

So here we are. He says he's leaving her soon, but he/we are taking it slow because he wants to be divorce and do things right. We won't until he's free and we're married. I know that getting a divorce takes time and money. We are tying lose ends, looking at apartments, debts, child support, arrangements. He's moving out soon.

I'm torn in two. One part of me, can't wait because I love him. I have to love him, to be this crazy, to do something so out of my character, against my own beliefs. The other part of me remembers, I don't belong there, I wouldn't want someones doing this to me.

Another part worries that maybe he will change his mind or maybe he's lying more to me. How can you form a relationship from a lie? What if he cheats on me? What if we just don't work out? Now I'm worried about our age difference. What if we are the one in million. We work out and are happy. The grief or consequences of or actions will catch up to us. People will remember that I was the other woman, and people will be pionting out how young I am. I don't worry about him slowing down or being older than me. I worry about him getting older and sick, and leaving me young. I don't know whats going to happen to us. I hope its for the best.

Comments for
Torn in two....

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May 30, 2011
There's always consenquence
by: Latenite

Your a very level headed person, and your intelligence shows. We don't find love, love finds us. Sometimes its not the situation we expected, such as yours. To profile him as not even attempting to be intimate with you all this time, I find to be interesting. His words are impacting your heart, yet he hides things from you, such as being married. OUCH ! Your a smart lady, and I am sure you will work through the challenges as they come your way. Just don't sell your soul so fast. Good Luck Sweetie.

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