Waiting for him

by Sonia

This is Sonia . I had posted my story in this blog and got support from my well wishers!
It was very comforting for me bcos I had not a single soul on this earth on my side.
I am married for 4 years (plus 5 years long distance love). My husband was very loving but the only problem he abused me in bed. He was addicted to porn and urged me subltely to various weird ideas.
I was in a shock initially but then started being open to his ideas and started watching in a ttempt to enjoy it with him. But I could not. He was addicted to him
and he was to porn. I am pretty sure he also and other similar engagements which I could never found out. Tensions and frustations grew between us. I repeatedly requested him to let it go and he would not. He watch just after we have had an extremely satisfying session. He would watch early at 6am in the morning. He watch while having lunch and also on his mobile if there was electricity cut.
I was fed with him or with us. IT went on for 4 years and I became mentally sick. I was the verge on mental breakdown many times. I urged him to take care of me just as a person would for any patient. I asked him not to do it with me on bed. But he did it. our love , sweet love was burnt and charred.
I died inside me. we were dying.
I felt insulted rejected and disrespected as a woman, as a human being as an individual who was living. I let him know all this but he never paid any attention to it.
In the mean time I lost my Granny whom I was extremely close to. I lost everything at that point. and he was never there to comfort me for my loss. He as just unavailable whenever I needed him the most. He was always around for merrymaking parties and picnics and movies and friends!
I was vulnerable and i got in to an emotional relation with an MM who much older to me. He started finding comfort with him. I didn't realize when it became into an affair.
It went on for a year . His wife who a dear friend of mine found out and now she has let my husband know all about it.
He is has gone back to US leaving me in my home-country. He has refuses to let me be with him. I long for him and hope that he would forgive me as he has pushed me away from us. He said many times" Go find your comfort and love outside. I do not have for you. Go have one night stands" i told him I cant do so and only need his love.
This went on for months and years and then i broke down and did this mistake of stepping outside. I want to get back to him although I know he would never change and his addiction will grow and it could get worse.
I do not know what to do. I miss him terribly although he is removing all our pics from facebook. He hurts me deep inside to be apart from him. I just cant
stop thinking of him.

Can anyone help me please. Can anyone tell how should I try to win his trust and love back. Do you think he could pardon me for my mistake and accept me? I ready to do anything to be with him and I would would never come in his way if he wants to do anything.

Comments for
Waiting for him

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Apr 11, 2012
get over him NEW
by: Joanne

Sonia, I am talking to you as a woman who has been in your shoes, my ex was addicted to porn and he pleasured himself more than he ever did me. I used to think maybe I should make myself look more like the women he was lusting over or do the things they did in the video.It was not me, it was him and its a sickness. Why would you want a man that basically tore you down and made you feel worthless and altho wrong, he told you to go out and find comfort and love somewhere else. With him saying that he let you know that your value to him was neither a care nor a priority in his mind. My ex left me too, after 20yrs together and I cried and begged and prayed God would bring him back, but now two years later I am so thankful for that unanswered prayer. I did not think I could live without him, but i am here and alive and happy. It hurts and it does take a while but I promise you it will get better and you deserve better.You have to realize you are worth so much more than that. Again, I went from a woman being broken and devestated and didnt want to live without him, to a woman who is so thankful he left and my only regret, Is that I didnt leave him first. you are in my prayers.

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