Want my heart Whole again

by Joanne
(North Carolina)

OK, First I would like to say I am so glad I found a site that I could Tell my story on and not me crucified for it. I am a current O.W. I am actually the one who pursued my MM,I was in a longterm commonlaw relationship that was once again up for grabs because my mate was never a faithful one , but I stayed in hopes that he would one day change and see me for the woman I am and realize that I was the one he wanted and stop all his shenanigans with other women. I had always been against cheating and could not see myself as stepping into someones relationship let alone marriage for my own selfish wants. That is how I viewed females like the one I am now, selfish, to know that my mate was not single but still pursue a sexual and emotional relationship with him and push for a full blown one. I always wondered how heartless these women could be to hurt another woman this way. Well now I know :( and I actually have felt pain for my ex's past lovers, the hurt and heartbreak they endured because of their love for him and him not leaving me. Well when I met my MM 6yrs ago, I was so taken with him, I saw his wedding band, his wife made sure he had one that could be seen even if you were not looking for it. I fought myself over and over again, I had never been a cheater, faithful to the end even if they were not. My MM worked as a rep for our cell phone carrier.

I started finding reasons to go in and have my phone checked or just "look" at new product and it made it so much easier because my Ex was such and electronics fanatic , I used to get mad because his phone fetish always meant more money, well I no longer cared because I could see this beautiful man that had the most amazing smile, he just made me melt without even trying. He is not this outgoing type either, he barely raised his head to even let you know he was looking. Well one day I could not take it any longer, so I emailed him at his job concerning issues with my phone of course and he was very professional and all business. He told me to ask for him specifically and I did. God just being close to him with the occasional brushing of the hands or arm was amazing.

The very next day I emailed him again thanking him and I set the tone then, and found out the attraction was mutual, we started out with email just talking to each other all day, then the emails got severely graphic as to our desires, well we acted on them and it was absolutely amazing, the way I felt when we made love was amazing. This went on for 5yrs then my ex decided to leave me , this was horrific, the old saying "A married person should never deal with a single person" was oh so true, with me being single I wanted it all from my MM, we had fantasized about it together so many times over the years. Well he told me he could not leave because of his kids, he has two. Well as much as it hurt, I decided to let go, move on because I wanted a life with someone that I did not have to share and though I loved this man with all my heart I had to pull away because he did not want me seeing other people, dating anyone else, having another man in my life, I was supposed to be satisfied with what he had to give me which was very little, I never realized how little time we actually spent together because I had my boyfriend at the time.

But only having My MM made me realize how little time we physically spent together. we talked through email and text and the occasional phone call. But I wanted more so I ended the relationship , just for a month later he and I saw each other and he professed his love for me, through tears, he loved me so much and could not live without me, he was going to tell his wife he wanted a divorce and he was going to leave, he was not going to use his kids as an excuse anymore.He began showing me my worth, spending time with me, were were seeing each other several times a week , our talks were of us and the game plan for us to be together, he even stopped by my house unannounced on Thanksgiving morning on his way out of town to see his family with his kids in the car. All this was proving what he was saying was going to come true.

This went on for a few months , then we were right back to square one, I couldn't come visit him at his second job anymore the private visits to my home were becoming scarce, and then the ultimate, he went right back to using his kids as an excuse. Now it has been almost three months since we have seen each other, he makes no effort to see me, I have told him many times its the little things that matter, phone calls when he can instead of text or asking me to come by his job for a quick hug, or taking half days off to spend in each others arms, all he keeps saying is "soon babydoll, very soon" and soon has now been almost three months since our last physical situation. He says that he and his wife live like roommates and they don't communicate, she is late coming home from work, she is always leaving him with the kids to do whatever she wants to do. She yells at him for cleaning, not cleaning and she spends all her time on the phone instead of with him .They have not been intimate, which is hard for me to believe because we have not been together that way. Our talks are nothing like they used to be, now they are just petting sessions for a job well done for his schooling or work or his fathering with the kids.

If we do talk about us and I am always the one that brings it up, it is short lived. We talk to each other like I talk to one of my three brothers now, current events. He says he can not give me a definitive date as to him leaving. Well now I have reached the point and have used it that I am going to tell his wife. I honestly do not want another woman to feel like I felt when my ex would do this and they would tell, it hurt. I do feel for his wife and I know there are three sides to every story, his version, her version and then the real truth. I had always believed every word he said, he had not given me any reason not to, until some pictures showed on facebook that told me a different story. His sister had gotten married the week before he came to see me, well he had not been wearing his ring, the day he came to my house i noticed the discoloration of his ring finger, I asked him had he been wearing his ring and he said no.

Well low and behold one of my friends on facebook is a friend to his new brother in law, so when wedding pics were posted I saw them. There he was big as day with his wedding band on, and then was the lovely family pic, where he is holding his wife, his arm around her and his hand on her hip smiling. Didn't seem to be to hard for a man who says "gross" to making love to his wife to touch her. I just want to be happy, I don't know how to let go. I love him more than life but I want to be a whole person again. I have health issues that could deem terminal and I don't want to die alone, but I can't see leaving this life in anyones arms but his. Again I am so glad to have been directed to this site, I look forward to any comments or words of wisdom or hand holding. Thank you

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Want my heart Whole again

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Nov 23, 2011
Thank you Anonymous NEW
by: Joanne

Thank you so much for you sweet comments, and yes he is an amazing man. If time would or could just go back and let us find each other before he met his wife this would be so much easier. my mother passed in 2006 and my father, my grandmother is still alive and he wanted to meet her. This also was during the time that he had made his decision, I had told him that i did not want him meeting the important people such as and elder that was so important to me unless he was sure. Well like i said he was sure, so i took him to meet her and she loved him. She did not know he was married,but she does now. She asks about him when I see her..she really liked him and wanted to know she could leave this life knowing I would be taken care of as far as love. She and my Grandfather were married 54 years and he passed holding her hand and that is what she wanted for me and she saw that in myself and my MM, she said he reminded her so much of my grandfather.He has told me recently that if I could just let him get through the holidays that he had planned on January being the beginning of him putting the wheels in motion for him to get out and be with me. I am praying every single day but though my heart aches for him my mind wanders to this will never happen. I am so scared that he is just telling me this to keep me quiet for now. We were supposed to see each other the other day once he got off of work but that fell through because his Father in law went to the ER. He didnt call me to tell me where he was going or that our date was off or anything. when hours passed i text him to see what was wrong and his response was sorry babydoll at the hospital with my father in law :( these are not actions of a man that wants his marriage over :/ she called and he ran and did not give thought to me or our plans. later he continued to tell me how he thought he was doing the right thing and he was a piece of shit for not thinking of me. Just downing himself to me. I just could not understand why he would do that and if she doesnt care for him why call him to come? I am so very lost.

Nov 22, 2011
NOT too long a story! ^-^ NEW
by: Anonymous

first off - i want to tell you that i loved reading your story! the details were perfect, and it wasn't too long. i was thoroughly engaged until the end! but, wow. that definitely is a difficult predicament to be in... that's really frustrating, i know how you feel - except not to such a large extent. your MM seems amazing, and i loved the part where he dropped a surprise visit Thanksgiving morning - with his kids in the car! I wish the surprise visits and physical/emotional relationship could still be there. It seems as if his relationship with his wife has taken a turn for the better however... he just might be too - ah, nervous - to let you know. Think about it... his relationship with his wife is bad, his outlet is you, thus he took a lot of time to make sure that his relationship with you was amazing... but, then his relationship with his wife become good - so he has no 'need' to worry about his OW anymore. However, things aren't always as they seem, my dear - in this case, I hope they aren't! I really hope he gets his act together and strives for a more emotional and physical relationship with you. The best of luck, darling!

Nov 21, 2011
short and interesting? NEW
by: joanne

I am sorry you felt like you were reading a novel, and if you could tell me how to make my life short and interesting please do. I explained my situation to the fullest for a better understanding as to why I am here now.

Nov 18, 2011
too long a story NEW
by: rudy

I felt like I was reading a novel.Keep your stories short and interesting.And once a cheater always a cheater.Get yourself single that way you won't have to look over your shoulder.

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