Want to stop this affair

by Sonia
(Kentucky)

Hi,
I have been in this relationship with the married man for a year now. He is much older than me. We were close family friends and I had a special close relation with his wife. They have two lovely kids.
I am married too. My husband is really nice but has his flaws.
I really care for my husband and may be I want to be with him if he does. I donno if he loves me anymore.
We have our disagreements in the marriage which led to this step.
This Man has been trying to convince for 2 years that he has feelings for me and I kept telling him that since we are both married it is not possible.
Meanwhile my frustrations grew and I was a complete emotional wreck.

I was extremely vulnerable when I Granny passed away and could not share with my hubby because of our distance. This man always emotionally available for me gave me a lot of care, love and attention. slowly I started bonding with him. I didnt realise when this whole thing changed into a affair.
His wife knows and his family knows. He says he will marry me and leave them.
But I dont want that to happen. I want his wife and kids and the family together.
I know she wants to keep her marriage and I want that for her too. I have lost her in this whole deal and regret it very much. Even at this time I feel like hugging her and comforting her.
I don't know how to end this affair. He appears to very attached to me and says he wants to go any limit to be together. But I dont want to. I cant risk it all for this. I cannot hurt everybody for this.
Please can someone talk to me about this. because I have no one to talk to.

Thanks a lot if you ave read this. Please let me know

Comments for
Want to stop this affair

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Aug 09, 2012
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Chin up! NEW
by: M

hi sonia

glad u are feeling better already and it does seem like life has moved on quite a bit for u. Stay away from the MM if u really do not want to be with him. Change your address, your mobile number etc. all the 'we are soulmates' etc stuff, I've heard them before. Like you, I believed in them totally. but after being to some forums or websites like this, you realised it's a cliched line that these MM use. and we women are such suckers for this.

Many times, what happens are also a reflection of ourselves and our emotional state. LIke you, I sought refuge in the arm of a MM also when my marriage was on the rocks.. but the affair was nothing but sorrow and pain. So please, move on and away from the MM. Your situation sounds messy enough.. if he really thinks he wants u and u, him, well, let the both of you settle all the things u need to individually before coming together. but that's not what you want now, right?

It seems like u cherish your marriage. If you really think your husband is whom u love and want, then move him with your sincerity. But if he abuses u, i don't know why you would want him back. If it's just for security, just so that you appear to have a normal marriage in front of others, please don't do it. You deserve better.

If you are free, do check out the website called Baggae Reclaim. If you can, get the book Mr Emotionally Unavaulble from the websie too. I benefitted a lot from it.

Chin up my dear... believe in the goodness and beauty of Life.

Mar 05, 2012
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I'm sorry NEW
by: Anonymous

I wish I could be as unselfish as you are. I want my MM to leave but I don't know if it will happen. There's so much advice for and against my situation and all other situations. I hope you can get the courage to break it off. I think we all just met each other at the wrong time in life and now we're just a total mess but one way or the other we'll get through all this:)

Feb 03, 2012
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Your words give me strength NEW
by: Sonia

Linzkricket thank you! :)
Thank you for reading my post and all follow up posts. It feels so good that someone in the world does care about what is going with me. At times I feel like ending my life or my husband's. But then I dont want to die I donno why. I have always wanted to live even when I was with him. When he abused me (in bed) to the hilt I could not do anything like that. Instead I sought support in another relationship. I wish I could have drawn it from my husband. I told him repeatedly about all this, that I will go away from us but he didnt care. He said I could do that whatever I want to.
Thank you for wise words I agree I need a makeover and a fresh start! I craved for this for a very long time but never thought that we be apart the way we are now. I thought we would part for a temporary time and this separation would be camouflaged by certain circumstances like studies, job etc. I am trying to jump high and get out this dark pit. I want to try different things that I never thot I wud try. Thank you for encouraging me. I will write back to you.
your words and very precious to me
Thank you once again.

Feb 03, 2012
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Thanks NEW
by: Sonia

Thank you Joanne. Your words are very comforting. I agree with you that perhaps this is the only place where someone understands me. My husband had been neglecting me and abusing me in bed. I had repeatedly requested him in many ways to stop it. But in vain. there was large gap between us which widened when I lost my Granny.
I could not find any strength to keep myself together.
I wish I did have the strength. MM has comforted me and given lot of care and love. Only I always wished it came from my husband and not someone else's. I asked for it and was denied and was asked to look for it outside. And now after all this he refuses to understand! He was a part of all this and now all of a sudden he cannot connect with it. I know this is a shock but I hope he remembers our love and comes back for us.
Thanks for your prayers. I will pray for you too :)May be if we pray for each other it will be answered sooner! I hope he comes to you leaving everything he has there. I hope it was really one mistake he did and that is all to it.
He shud realize how much you treasure him. I am so happy that your MM is that kind of a man that girls talk about in slumber parties. Y is it that all MMs are like this. Bcos I am in a state of shock now. I dont remember anything clearly about my MM but he was really very sweet and talked and cherished things that I like. Whenever I talked about something he would stop and say " How are we so much alike!?! We ARE truly soulmates."
My parents are hurt and think MM is the worst person but I cannot think bad about him or blame him for anything. Although he lured me into this psuedo world of love, I got what I was missing at that point. I was practically dead as my husband never cared about my requests.
I hope he comes back for us that is all.
My heart pains all the time. (Literally)
I salute your courage and patience. If can wait fro your MM(whom u love) may be I shud also have the courage to wait for my husband(whom I love I think) Bcos it hurts to be away from him.
Please take care of yourself and keep writing.


Feb 03, 2012
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To Candice NEW
by: Sonia

Thanks Candice! My heartfelt good wishes for you.
I am glad that he left everything for u and u both are together. I happy that u got what u wanted. Treasure it and keep it close to ur heart. Handle it with care and do everything to keep it going.
I wish u all the luck.
I wish to be with my husband. But I dont know what is right. I am not sure if it will be best for me but still this what I feel now. May be with time I will have the capacity to think clearly.
I am sure my MM will be with his wife. They will be fine. Only I wish my marriage is saved.

Feb 02, 2012
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Im in the same boat to a point NEW
by: Candice

I understand where your coming from. I also had my lover leave his wife and wants me to be his new wife. I do believe he left for many other reasons besides me, but the guilt is hard. I want him and his family to work on things. i hope you can fight through these feelings you are having, I can't fight through mine...i find running away a better option then facing this life changing event. My advice would be if he will not return to his wife (even if you dumped hiim) I would be with him because if he doesnt have her or you then he is alone. He will feel he did this all in vain...if you know his wife wants him, then let her have him. If his wife truly doesnt want him, then take him

Jan 31, 2012
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sorry NEW
by: Joanne

Sonia, Sorry it took so long for me to answer back. I am sorry that your husband has chosen the path he has and that you are heart broken, maybe he will understand that we all make mistakes and yours, not and excuse, was brought on by his lack of being there for you. We know not change what we did but we can ,NOT ever do it again. I am hoping and praying that your husband does come to his senses, you seem like a very loving soul that just needs to be understood and forgiven. No i will not look back to husband ever. My heart was his for 20 yrs and he hurt me all 20 and he has hurt our son as well. He is not the man I fell in love with and never will be again. My heart truly belongs to my MM, He is that dream guy that all little girls or pre-teens talk about at slumber parties. I hate that we met this way, but I will never regret what we have shared and I am hoping (as bad as it sounds) that he does follow through and leaves his wife. Sonia, do not worry about the whispers or looks people give you. Hold your head high, for you are not the first to do something like this as you can see ,or there would not be this website. Please keep in touch and I wish you all the best.

Jan 28, 2012
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Fresh start NEW
by: Linzkricket

I just finished reading your post and your new comment/recent update. I understand that the reason why you had an affair was because you needed someone to lean on, and that your husband failed to give that to you. It's nice to know that you also want what's best for MM and his wife,and you should be proud of that. I know how much you want your husband to take you back but you have to understand that he's hurting and he needs time to heal. If you believe that your marriage is worth saving, give him a little time, then show him much you still care and willing to work it out. In the meantime, focus on yourself. Don't mind what the other people thinks of you because you know yourself better. Get a makeover, do something new, and have fun. You deserve a fresh start too, you know.

Jan 20, 2012
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Thanks! NEW
by: Sonia

Thanks a lot for writing to me. Read it right now.
My life has changed forever. My husband found out about the whole deal from MMs wife. He told his family and I told mine. He has refused to continue our marriage. I am a now in my home country and he is going back to US leaving me here. Im heart broken. Although my marriage was at a very difficult point, I still thought I will make it work.
My husband has got a new job and will start a new life. This is wat made me feel that our maariage will find a new happiness. I dont know what to do now. My family has supported me completely. I have a younger sis who is extremely disturbed. Also now as people around begin to know they will start gossiping and there will tremendous social pressure.
I think if he truly loves me he will take me back.
And may be I will be strong enuf to go along.
Atleast now I have stopped this affair and do not feel the burden. I hope MMs wife keeps her marriage. MM is a good man and is very precious and I understand y she would want to keep her marriage.
I hope my hubby feels the same about me.

After reading your story I feel happy that u found your soulmate. you are right when u said that u are my MM and I am yours.
As my MM says we are soulmate!
I wish you all the luck and love please give your best to this togetherness. Do not compromise and go back to your husband if you do not love him. I know he has changed but if your heart is here you shud be here! Good luck to you and I will keep u posted on my updates. Thank you for responding back to me. :)It feels good to talk to someone who truly understands my situation.

Dec 15, 2011
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my heart goes out to you NEW
by: joanne

I can Identify with you to a degree, I have been in a real relationship with my MM for 1 and a half years, but we have been having an affair for 6 total years, I was in a relationship when it all started, common law marriage of 15yrs when it started, like you it started as a release and to get all that I was not getting from my own husband, he had become emotionally and physically unattached and when this man entered my life we were each others safe haven as his marriage mirrored mine, well all changed when my husband left me and at that time I no longer wanted to keep up with my MM because I was lonely and wanted something real, I called it off just to be met later with how much he loved me and could not be without me and he wanted to separate from his wife and children. You seem to not be in love with your MM, if because you feel more for his wife and kids than your own heart, and please do not get me wrong, his wife should be very very happy that he turned to a woman like you. I do feel for my MM's wife because I know what this feels like. But in the same token I feel that she caused her own demise to a degree, we as women tend to become settled in our lives and forget what actually intrigued our own husband to fall in love with us, and then when we have children we lose ourselves in them. And tho the man is not fault free by far because they often just get bored. Or like My MM has stated to me, his wife became more involved in the church and could not leave her parents side and she treated him more like an object in the home than a husband. My advice to you is if you really want out of this relationship you can get out unless you truly love him. It will take time but I have seen it be done. I myself can not let go, my ex husband is even trying to come back now and I can see that he is a changed man, but I cant help but want her husband. I honestly feel like your MM is me and you are my MM, confusion is all these relationships are with moments of beauty and love that are just amazing, and not just the sex.. but actual connection of souls, of course that is just my opinion. I am here for you to talk to anytime. I know I probably didnt help much, but know you are not alone AT ALL!

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