widow caught in a nowhere relationship

by Mary
(Texas)

When I met the man I truly fell in love with was when I became a widow. It had been 1 1/2 months after my husband had passed away. I loved my husband and took care of him when he was told he was dieing of cancer. My late husband had been very verbally abusive too me during our 6 1/2 yr of marriage. I had left him on several occasions but somehow I kept going back till the day he was told of his illness. When he passed away I met the man of my dreams we just talk since he had noticed I had been crying he was concerned for me and asked if I was ok. We ended up talking for about 4 hours at a truck stop as I had stop when come back home from a short trip to get away from everything.

I left the restaurant and he stayed there he had asked me to meet him where he would unload he's equipment on the trailer so we could continue talking. I felt quilty at the time and didn't go. I spoke to a friend later on and she convinced me to try a get his number where he had dropped the equipment. I called after 4 weeks that we met he remembered me and from there we started a phone conversation everyday. He would come to see me any chance he could that meant when there was a load coming to Texas. It took me about 1 1/2 yrs to finally be intimate with him. He confessed to me crying that he loved me but that he didn't have the courage to say to me that he was a married man in the middle of a divorce. I don't understand why I forgave him but I guess I was so I love with him that I could think straight. My fault for allowing him to continue in my life. He is very loving, caring and he will help when I need his help. He's asked me to marry him butr the divorce has not been finalized. It brakes my heart to think that it won't happen even though he reasures me of it. I truly don't think any think will change.

I fell used and I feel like I put myself in a position of the other women which I totally object to it. I spoke to his mother before her death she said to me that she new of me and that he truly loved me but that he was going through some rough time in his marriage. That I had made him feel loved and like a new man with hope for a better life. I feel like I'm caught in something that just keeps going nowhere. Last week his wife wrote me a letter of there 38 yrs of marriage I sent it back return to sender. Even though I was able to read it. He reasures me to this day that we'll get married but I know its not going to happen. I feel trapped in this relationship. I told him I love him too but I don't want to feel this way any more he say it will be alright I don't believe it anymore. I feel sick, depressed, lonely and very guilty about it. I know that I'm worth more that what I feel. I don't want the insecurity of this relationship. No woman or man should feel this way if there in a situation like mine. He says to me everyday he calls he loves me and he'll try and be home (home) soon. I ask myself how can it be home if I'm alone just about everyday. I ask for forgiveness from up above but sometimes its so hard to understand my situation. I feel like I'M DROWNING in my own tears. I don't want to feel like this. I've made a dicission to leave the relationship and move on. He knows where I live, my phone number, and my where my mother lives. I don't talk to my mother and sister about him being married I'm so afraid that I will not be forgiven.

I know that I deserve better that what I have and had before. I truly feel that I will have to leave town, change my phone number and e-mail addresses so that I can move on. I LOVE HIM but I GOING TO LET GO OF HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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